Regrets

I'm linking up with Shell today for Pour Your Heart Out
(for some reason I can't get the link from Shell's blog to work right for me...so here is her picture and a link to her blog is below)



http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/


Regrets

I try to exercise 5 out of 7 days a week.  I have found that when I do some kind of exercise that I feel better physically and emotionally and I see a better weight loss for the week.  The weeks I don't exercise, or don't exercise enough, I have a crappy weight loss (or no weight loss at all) and feel bad about myself.  Usually I walk or ride my bike, but last week I tried to run some.  At first I hated it, a lot, and decided that I didn't want to do it anymore.  But then a good friend recommended that I try the couch to 5k app for the iPhone and see if that would help me to not hate running so much.  I did, and it helped.  I don't know if I will take up races but I don't hate to run so much anymore.

Anyway, while I was running (well, run/walking) last week at the high school track I started thinking about things I regret in my life.  I have a number of regrets that I try to not dwell on so much.  Most of them I can push out of my head because of the outcomes they have brought. 

I regret not being more "loose" in college.  Not that I wanted to be a slut or a drunk...but I was pretty uptight in college and could have probably had more friends and fun if I had loosened up a bit.  I don't dwell on this too often because I think of the great friends I made in college and the fun that I did have and how much I loved college. 

I regret the choice I made for my grad school.  I received my masters from a Christian Seminary, and while I think it's a very good school, I don't think it was the right fit for me.  I regret not going to either UofI Chicago or the University of Denver to get a MSW.  I don't dwell on this because if I had gone to a different school I most likely would not have ended up in Florida and I would have never met my husband.  I love my husband, he is a wonderful man and the perfect ying to my yang.  I would never change a thing when it comes to him, so I can't beat myself up over staying at a school that wasn't a good fit for me.

The biggest regret I have that I can't reason away is not being serious about my health earlier in my life.  I have been overweight my whole life.  I was a 10lb baby.  I was a large child, both in height and in weight.  I was obese in adolescence and as an adult.  I was not a happy child or teenager.  I don't really know why, but I do know that I had so many fears and used to wish I was a cartoon instead of a person.  I could never identify my feelings so I ate them.  I drown myself in food.  I was such a shy girl and never felt like I really fit in with my peers.  I hid in my own body to prevent getting hurt.  I got fat to keep people away.  I've known for a long, long time that I needed to lose weight.  I've always said and thought this will be different when I lose weight...that will change when I'm thinner, but I never followed through with those thoughts.  I started doing weight watchers in 1999 but 11 years later I ended up being the heaviest of my life instead of losing or staying the same.  I don't know what, but something snapped in me last fall that said enough.  31 years of being fat was enough.  Now that I am getting healthy, I feel good, I feel happy, I feel better than I've ever felt.  I hate that I waited so long to get serious.  I hate that I waisted all that time.  There's no positive spin on this regret...just 31 years of waisted time feeling awful about myself and unhappy with my body.  I know that I should focus on what's good now, how I feel now, that I didn't wait any longer.  I know I should focus on that I'm still young and that I've extended the years of my life by losing the weight and taking better care of myself.  But when I run, and feel great emotionally even though I feel beat up physically, all I can think of is the regret that I didn't do this at 21.

I think I'm starting to get it

Two weeks ago (2 days after my mental/emotional break down) my husband Jay and I went to six flags for the day.  When planning this trip Jay suggested we get season passes since upgrading a 1 day ticket to a season pass wasn't that expensive.  So we decided we would go to six flags more than once this summer and got the season pass.  Six flags was so much fun!  It was a great boost for me, to be able to ride all of the rides and feel comfortable on them.  It's been a long time since I've comfortably fit on a roller coaster.  It felt so wonderful to not be worried about the seat belts fitting and not have to think about leaving the ride because I didn't fit in the seat.

But the major break through of the day came at dinner.  Jay and I went to Outback and while we were waiting for our food I started to compare the picture on my season pass with the picture on my license.  I could not believe the difference.  First, I always liked the picture on my license.  I thought it was a pretty good picture of myself and that I didn't look too fat.  But the more I looked at the two pictures the more I felt like my eyes were playing trick on me.  I couldn't believe the difference...is that really the same person in both pictures?  I showed Jay the ids and said "I think I'm starting to get it."

They say that when you lose a large amount of weight it takes a while for your mental image of yourself to catch up with the physical image everyone else sees.  This has been very true for me.  Although everyone I see has been telling me how great I look and that I look like a different person, I never saw it.  When I looked in the mirror I still saw the old me.  I still saw the flaws.  I didn't see the progress.  I knew it was happening but I didn't see it.  Until I looked at these pictures.  Now I see it.  Something about looking at those pictures side by side made me get it.  I don't look like the same person, just like I don't feel like the same person.

And as for the breakdown I wrote about in my last post...it passed.  I've been on the emotional side lately and just had a bad day.  And I did lost that 1 pound and more, and I have surpassed the 100lb mark.  As of 7/7 I've lost 101 pounds.  And I am very, very proud of myself.