Regrets

I'm linking up with Shell today for Pour Your Heart Out
(for some reason I can't get the link from Shell's blog to work right for me...so here is her picture and a link to her blog is below)



http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/


Regrets

I try to exercise 5 out of 7 days a week.  I have found that when I do some kind of exercise that I feel better physically and emotionally and I see a better weight loss for the week.  The weeks I don't exercise, or don't exercise enough, I have a crappy weight loss (or no weight loss at all) and feel bad about myself.  Usually I walk or ride my bike, but last week I tried to run some.  At first I hated it, a lot, and decided that I didn't want to do it anymore.  But then a good friend recommended that I try the couch to 5k app for the iPhone and see if that would help me to not hate running so much.  I did, and it helped.  I don't know if I will take up races but I don't hate to run so much anymore.

Anyway, while I was running (well, run/walking) last week at the high school track I started thinking about things I regret in my life.  I have a number of regrets that I try to not dwell on so much.  Most of them I can push out of my head because of the outcomes they have brought. 

I regret not being more "loose" in college.  Not that I wanted to be a slut or a drunk...but I was pretty uptight in college and could have probably had more friends and fun if I had loosened up a bit.  I don't dwell on this too often because I think of the great friends I made in college and the fun that I did have and how much I loved college. 

I regret the choice I made for my grad school.  I received my masters from a Christian Seminary, and while I think it's a very good school, I don't think it was the right fit for me.  I regret not going to either UofI Chicago or the University of Denver to get a MSW.  I don't dwell on this because if I had gone to a different school I most likely would not have ended up in Florida and I would have never met my husband.  I love my husband, he is a wonderful man and the perfect ying to my yang.  I would never change a thing when it comes to him, so I can't beat myself up over staying at a school that wasn't a good fit for me.

The biggest regret I have that I can't reason away is not being serious about my health earlier in my life.  I have been overweight my whole life.  I was a 10lb baby.  I was a large child, both in height and in weight.  I was obese in adolescence and as an adult.  I was not a happy child or teenager.  I don't really know why, but I do know that I had so many fears and used to wish I was a cartoon instead of a person.  I could never identify my feelings so I ate them.  I drown myself in food.  I was such a shy girl and never felt like I really fit in with my peers.  I hid in my own body to prevent getting hurt.  I got fat to keep people away.  I've known for a long, long time that I needed to lose weight.  I've always said and thought this will be different when I lose weight...that will change when I'm thinner, but I never followed through with those thoughts.  I started doing weight watchers in 1999 but 11 years later I ended up being the heaviest of my life instead of losing or staying the same.  I don't know what, but something snapped in me last fall that said enough.  31 years of being fat was enough.  Now that I am getting healthy, I feel good, I feel happy, I feel better than I've ever felt.  I hate that I waited so long to get serious.  I hate that I waisted all that time.  There's no positive spin on this regret...just 31 years of waisted time feeling awful about myself and unhappy with my body.  I know that I should focus on what's good now, how I feel now, that I didn't wait any longer.  I know I should focus on that I'm still young and that I've extended the years of my life by losing the weight and taking better care of myself.  But when I run, and feel great emotionally even though I feel beat up physically, all I can think of is the regret that I didn't do this at 21.

I think I'm starting to get it

Two weeks ago (2 days after my mental/emotional break down) my husband Jay and I went to six flags for the day.  When planning this trip Jay suggested we get season passes since upgrading a 1 day ticket to a season pass wasn't that expensive.  So we decided we would go to six flags more than once this summer and got the season pass.  Six flags was so much fun!  It was a great boost for me, to be able to ride all of the rides and feel comfortable on them.  It's been a long time since I've comfortably fit on a roller coaster.  It felt so wonderful to not be worried about the seat belts fitting and not have to think about leaving the ride because I didn't fit in the seat.

But the major break through of the day came at dinner.  Jay and I went to Outback and while we were waiting for our food I started to compare the picture on my season pass with the picture on my license.  I could not believe the difference.  First, I always liked the picture on my license.  I thought it was a pretty good picture of myself and that I didn't look too fat.  But the more I looked at the two pictures the more I felt like my eyes were playing trick on me.  I couldn't believe the difference...is that really the same person in both pictures?  I showed Jay the ids and said "I think I'm starting to get it."

They say that when you lose a large amount of weight it takes a while for your mental image of yourself to catch up with the physical image everyone else sees.  This has been very true for me.  Although everyone I see has been telling me how great I look and that I look like a different person, I never saw it.  When I looked in the mirror I still saw the old me.  I still saw the flaws.  I didn't see the progress.  I knew it was happening but I didn't see it.  Until I looked at these pictures.  Now I see it.  Something about looking at those pictures side by side made me get it.  I don't look like the same person, just like I don't feel like the same person.

And as for the breakdown I wrote about in my last post...it passed.  I've been on the emotional side lately and just had a bad day.  And I did lost that 1 pound and more, and I have surpassed the 100lb mark.  As of 7/7 I've lost 101 pounds.  And I am very, very proud of myself.

Just a reminder...more for me than anyone else...

Just because it's been one of those days...

October 2010

June 2011

Yeah, I'm not perfect, but good god do I look better!

Once a fat girl always a fat girl?

First...I am sorry I have been so bad at blogging.  I really thought I was going to be able to be faithful to posting, but alas I haven't been.  April was a bad month emotionally that I'd like to forget, May was busy, and June has also been busy.  I'm just not great about updating, but I'm going to try to be better.

So I have been in my weight loss program for 24 weeks and have lost 91 pounds.  That is almost 4 pounds a week.  It's also amazing...not to gloat or anything.  Never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought I would be able to lose 91 pounds.  Hell, never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought I'd lose over 30 pounds!  Physically I feel so much better.  I love to be active, it doesn't hurt to walk or climb stairs or get off the couch...  I love to ride my bike and go on long walks, I've even tried to run a little.  I don't think about food all the time and I don't have the same cravings as before.  I was ever around a tray of cookies today and was fine not eating one! (of course I would have loved to have one and was not very happy when everyone kept commenting about how great the cookies tasted, but I didn't eat one and didn't even think about them when I left the meeting)  I'm in the smallest size of my adult life, which has opened up a world of options in clothing.  I just feel better...I'm not embarrassed in social situations, I don't think people are starring at me because of my size, and I don't feel so anxious anymore.  I can't wait to fly on Sunday because I know I'll be comfortable in the seat on the airplane!

All of these things are so positive and should make me feel so proud of myself.  But today I couldn't get over feeling like "the fat girl".  I was at a retreat for work and in the morning one of my co-workers was giving me a complement that I took the wrong way.  She couldn't believe I wasn't wearing a size 6.  Now I may be down 91 pounds, but I am still a world away from a size 6.  I know she meant it in a positive way, but I couldn't help but feel fat.  Then for our down time I elected to take a walk with some co-workers who are much smaller than I am.  Now earlier this week when taking a walk during the retreat was discussed I thought it was going to be a short, leisurely, walk.  But this was no leisurely walk, and not being prepared for a real intense walk (ie I was wearing converse sneakers which have no support what-so-ever) ended up making me feel horrible.  My co-workers powered ahead of me and I lagged behind, not being able to walk as fast as I normally do because my ankles were hurting me.  And the farther they were a head of me, the more they looked behind to see where I was, and the more I felt like the big fat girl.  I know they didn't mean anything, they weren't trying to make me feel bad or feel fat, but that's how I felt.  All I could think was "I've lost 91lbs and I'm still the fat girl".  Then I go to the weight loss center to weigh in and I gained a pound.  Now this could have been from a lot of reasons, I could be bloated or retaining water, I could have exercised too much this week and not taken in enough calories to compensate the exercise, or I could have gotten stuck in traffic so that I wasn't able to go home and change out of my jeans that were soaking wet because it poured rain during that stupid walk I took.  Anyway, seeing a gain on the scale hurt so bad.  It was like the scale was screaming at me "see stupid, you're fat, you've always been fat and you always will be fat, so get used to it, you're never going to change".  I couldn't help but cry.

I know I'm being silly.  I know I'm not "that fat girl" anymore.  I know my body has gone through so many changes in a short amount of time and that's probably why I've overly emotional.  I know that it's my choice to not go back to being "that fat girl".  I know that I don't have to fall back into old habits and I can keep all this weight off.  I know I should be proud of myself and all I've accomplished in a short amount of time.  I know that I'll lose that pound and more next week.  I know if I keep trying I'll get to (and maybe surpass) my goal of 100lbs lost.  I know I need to focus on all the good things I feel.  I know all of this, but to quote Sally Field in Steel Magnolias "I wish my head would tell it to my heart".

Steak and Chicken Fajitas

Jay and I had our wonderful friends Chris and Heather over for dinner on Saturday night.  Right now Jay and I are not eating refined carbs so I thought Fajitas would be a good dinner to serve that would be pleasing for everyone.  Jay and I could have the steak, chicken, and veggies without any problem or temptation and I bought some cheese, rice, beans, and tortillas for our carb consuming friends.  This way everyone is happy and everyone wins! :)

In my past life I've made a lime marinade with about a 1/4 cup of olive oil for the meat.  So current dietary restrictions do not permit extra fat...so no 1/4 cup oil.  I decided to try and make the marinade without the olive oil.  This is what I did:

 I zested two limes then I cut and juiced them into a bowl.  I used my pampered chef citrus press and it worked great getting all the juice out.

 I then chopped up a lot of cilantro in my manual food processor.  I didn't use all of this in the marinade, I just chopped it all at once to save myself time later.

 I whisked together the lime zest, juice, and half of the cilantro with some kosher salt, 1tsp of pampered chef chili lime rub, and 2 garlic cloves I pressed in my wonderful garlic press.

I tasted the marinade and noted that it was to acidic.  I ended up cutting it with a tiny bit of oil, I used my kitchen spritzer to spay some oil into it.  I had to, I tried so hard to not use any at all, but I guess a marinade needs some oil.  But hey, I used way less than a 1/4 cup. 

The marinade was great and I used it on the chicken, steak, and veggies.  We had a wonderful dinner and fun time with our friends.  It was a really great Saturday night!

Eating Out

My husband Jay and I used to eat out a lot.  Eating out is part of what got me in trouble with my weight in the first place.  Eating out is easy because there is no work for you and you don't have to think about what you are eating.  Even though I love to cook, and think I'm pretty good at it, most of my meals were not prepared by me.  I had so many excuses as to why I didn't prepare my meals; no time, too tired, limited budget.  In reality, I didn't make the time to prep to make preparing meals easy, even when I was exhausted.  Eating out was just easy and I didn't have to think, which fed into my laziness.  And feeding into my tendency to be lazy...well this was a problem.

But eating out posed a bigger problem for me.  I could not resist so many temptations at restaurants.  The huge alcoholic drinks, the bread baskets, fried appetizers, mashed potatoes soaked in butter, and dessert.  I had the hardest time saying no to all of this, especially the drinks and desserts.  And of course I would eat the full portion of my entree, and we all know that restaurant portions are double what you should eat.  And most of the time I would be full after an appetizer, I just kept eating because the food tasted good, or because I felt like I was suppose to, or just to eat.  And I'm not going to get into how much eating out would actually cost me financially.  Just imagine the food I just listed, times 2 people, times 5 nights...you get the idea.

When Jay and I decided we were going to do a medically monitored weight loss program I thought my days in restaurants were over.  How could I go to a restaurant and stick to my dietary guidelines when they included no oil, butter, refined carbs, or alcohol?  I firmly believed that I could not go out and say no to bread, potatoes, pasta, appetizers, and dessert.  I felt like I made a decision to make major changes and that would include not going out to eat.  But the reality of life is that you can't always avoid restaurants.  So much of social life revolves around food, and sometimes it is nice to go out and not have to worry about cooking.  But the first time Jay suggested going out I was petrified.  I really didn't believe that I would be able to be stern in my ordering and resist all those foods I'm not suppose to have right now.  But you know what, I was able to.  I was able to talk to our server and explain that I can't have oil or butter right now.  She totally understood and even spoke with the cooks about scrubbing down the grill before cooking our food.  Jay and I both got salads with light dressings on the side, grilled sirloins, and double steamed vegetables with no butter.  Dinner still tasted good and it was easier than I thought to ask for what I wanted.  That first restaurant experience was very positive and helped me see that I didn't need to be afraid of going out to eat.

Doing this weight loss program has helped me to realize a lot of things about myself.  One of my realizations is that I will make more meals at home if I keep it simple, and that will curb my desire to go out or order out because of being tired or lazy.  I don't have to follow long involved recipes that are overly complicated, I can rely on my knowledge of cooking methods and spices to make meals that are tasty and filling.  I've also realized that I can go out to eat and be okay.  I can say no to the breads and drinks and desserts.  I can ask for exactly what I want and still enjoy my food, and the money I'm saving (and you save a lot when you're not ordering alcohol or any of the extras).  And for the first time I really feel like I'm the one who's in control, not the food or my cravings.  And the more I say no and stick to the guidelines that I know will help me be and stay healthy the better I feel about myself.

Stairs

I never really thought about how many stairs I go up and down in a day until my birthday last September.  That's when my knees and hips began to hurt.  My knees and hips hurt and my husband Jay and I were trying to sell our house to move into a 2nd floor apartment.  A 2nd floor apartment with a 2nd floor of it's own.  All those stairs, 27 in all, started to scare me.  By December my knees hurt so bad it was difficult for me to get up from the couch.  My office at work is on the 2nd floor of a 2 story building and I was taking the elevator every day.  At this point I had already decided to do something about my weight and fitness level in the new year, but thinking of climbing 14 stairs every day to get to my apartment made me feel desperate.

Have you ever felt desperate about something?  Desperate enough to leave your comfort zone and actually do something about your situation?  For a very long time I have struggled with my weight.  I have been overweight for most of my life.  I have been unhappy about my body for just as long.  But I never felt desperate, at least not desperate enough to really step out of my comfort zone and make real lifestyle changes.  But being 31-years-old and worried about climbing stairs because of my knees made me feel desperate.

I've lost 40lbs since January 13th.  That is something that I'm proud of, but the thing that I'm more proud of is that I've made real lifestyle changes that I feel I can continue for the rest of my life.  Not only have I changed the amount of calories I take in each day, but how I look at food, how I grocery shop, how I prep meals for the week, and how I exercise.  These changes have helped me in so many ways, and my body doesn't hurt anymore.  I climbed 40 stairs at work today, from the basement to the 2nd floor, and when I got to the top the only thing I could think was "wow, my knees don't hurt".