First...I am sorry I have been so bad at blogging. I really thought I was going to be able to be faithful to posting, but alas I haven't been. April was a bad month emotionally that I'd like to forget, May was busy, and June has also been busy. I'm just not great about updating, but I'm going to try to be better.
So I have been in my weight loss program for 24 weeks and have lost 91 pounds. That is almost 4 pounds a week. It's also amazing...not to gloat or anything. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought I would be able to lose 91 pounds. Hell, never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought I'd lose over 30 pounds! Physically I feel so much better. I love to be active, it doesn't hurt to walk or climb stairs or get off the couch... I love to ride my bike and go on long walks, I've even tried to run a little. I don't think about food all the time and I don't have the same cravings as before. I was ever around a tray of cookies today and was fine not eating one! (of course I would have loved to have one and was not very happy when everyone kept commenting about how great the cookies tasted, but I didn't eat one and didn't even think about them when I left the meeting) I'm in the smallest size of my adult life, which has opened up a world of options in clothing. I just feel better...I'm not embarrassed in social situations, I don't think people are starring at me because of my size, and I don't feel so anxious anymore. I can't wait to fly on Sunday because I know I'll be comfortable in the seat on the airplane!
All of these things are so positive and should make me feel so proud of myself. But today I couldn't get over feeling like "the fat girl". I was at a retreat for work and in the morning one of my co-workers was giving me a complement that I took the wrong way. She couldn't believe I wasn't wearing a size 6. Now I may be down 91 pounds, but I am still a world away from a size 6. I know she meant it in a positive way, but I couldn't help but feel fat. Then for our down time I elected to take a walk with some co-workers who are much smaller than I am. Now earlier this week when taking a walk during the retreat was discussed I thought it was going to be a short, leisurely, walk. But this was no leisurely walk, and not being prepared for a real intense walk (ie I was wearing converse sneakers which have no support what-so-ever) ended up making me feel horrible. My co-workers powered ahead of me and I lagged behind, not being able to walk as fast as I normally do because my ankles were hurting me. And the farther they were a head of me, the more they looked behind to see where I was, and the more I felt like the big fat girl. I know they didn't mean anything, they weren't trying to make me feel bad or feel fat, but that's how I felt. All I could think was "I've lost 91lbs and I'm still the fat girl". Then I go to the weight loss center to weigh in and I gained a pound. Now this could have been from a lot of reasons, I could be bloated or retaining water, I could have exercised too much this week and not taken in enough calories to compensate the exercise, or I could have gotten stuck in traffic so that I wasn't able to go home and change out of my jeans that were soaking wet because it poured rain during that stupid walk I took. Anyway, seeing a gain on the scale hurt so bad. It was like the scale was screaming at me "see stupid, you're fat, you've always been fat and you always will be fat, so get used to it, you're never going to change". I couldn't help but cry.
I know I'm being silly. I know I'm not "that fat girl" anymore. I know my body has gone through so many changes in a short amount of time and that's probably why I've overly emotional. I know that it's my choice to not go back to being "that fat girl". I know that I don't have to fall back into old habits and I can keep all this weight off. I know I should be proud of myself and all I've accomplished in a short amount of time. I know that I'll lose that pound and more next week. I know if I keep trying I'll get to (and maybe surpass) my goal of 100lbs lost. I know I need to focus on all the good things I feel. I know all of this, but to quote Sally Field in Steel Magnolias "I wish my head would tell it to my heart".
Try to remember too that most of your co-workers are super tiny in stature as well. You're a very tall woman. The same weight as a 5-foot tall girl would probably be unhealthily thin for you. And then there's the boobs and hips, which I personally prefer to not much in the way of curves. The standard of beauty in our country right now tend to favor women with an adolescent sort of figure, but some people are just never going to look like that, and that's ok. It's good in fact, if we all looked the same the world would be SO boring. :)
ReplyDeleteI really do understand this, Katie. (((hugs))) You look phenomenal and are doing such a great job staying focused.
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